I love looking back...

I love looking back at my blog. It is a compilation of my thoughts...at difficult, fun, tiring, exciting, wonderful, bad, and intrigued moments. It gives me solace when things aren't going exactly right. It helps me realize that I can get through, b/c I have done it a million and one times. The good times and bad times are what make us who we are. I couldn't be me without each and every one of them. It is sort of like looking back through an old picture album and seeing what you didn't know you remembered...only in thought rather than vision. It is a different sort of retrospect that I rather enjoy and appreciate. It is easier to reflect when their is something to reflect upon.

So, I gave her five bucks....

I've often wondered if I should give people money when they come up to me asking (or begging) for it. There has been several times when I was not sure of the intention of the person asking. Are they going to use it for food or another necessity item OR is it going to be spent on drugs, alcohol, or something else I do not approve of someone spending my hard earned money on.

Well, yesterday at Walmart, as I was walking to my car, I see a lady walking car to car in the parking lot. I kind of figured she wanted something, and as much as I hate to admit it, I had that "Oh, great" mentality as she slowly approached me. Now, don't get me wrong, I KNOW there are dire straights, and I am ALL for helping my fellow man (or woman), but when people ask for money, it scares me. I always wonder: Am I going to get mugged? Am I perpetuating a problem? (those sorts of questions).

So, the lady walked up, not too close, but close enough to where I could get a pretty good look at her. She was worn looking, if that makes sense. I wouldn't say she was dirty or anything, but she looked tired and disheveled. She proceeded to ask me for money to put gasoline in her car. She said she was stranded without gas, and she had to make it all the way back to Durant from Denison. She wanted me to go look at her gas gauge, but I wouldn't do it. I handed her a $5 bill.

Kind of instinctively I made a decision that I would have made with more thought. I told the lady that I didn't need to see her gas gauge, and honestly I didn't really care what the money was for. I told her, "If you are asking for it, then you must need it more than I do." Now, I didn't know what the woman would REALLY do with that $5, and I must have not really cared, or I wouldn't have given it to her.

And, although I didn't care what she did with the money (I mean, I couldn't control what she did with it), as I turned around to finish loading my car with things I THOUGHT I needed (mostly NOT necessities), I watch as her beat up car that looks like it is on its last rope pulls into lane at the gas pump.

I know I made the right decision. I don't know that lady's circumstance, her life, her reason, her problems, her thoughts. If she would have driven out of that parking lot without stopping at the pump, I would have still felt like my decision was the right one. If she had spent that money on drugs or alcohol or simply just pocketed it, I still would have made the right decision.

Do you want to know why I felt like it was right either way? Because it was. I don't need that $5. I don't need that fatty Arby's meal next door. I can go without just once. People go without every day. People are mistrusted and misused every day. We do not have a magic power that tells use people's intentions, whether good or bad. Besides, good and bad is relative, isn't it? Even illicit drugs can become a life line (as much as I disapprove of addictions).

Need is need is need. If I had not helped her, would anyone? How long had she been there? Those questions are not ones with REAL answers. All I KNOW are my OWN thoughts. I KNOW that I feel better not saying "no". I KNOW that I feel better not knowing what she was going to do with it rather than not knowing what she would do without it. 

And She Lived Happily Ever After: The Story of The Three Little Virtualities

Once upon a time (in a far, far away land...of course) there lived a young lady who was quite the inquisitive. She enjoyed talking with her friends, hiking in the woods, swimming, running, and adventure. One day she got high speed internet.

This opened up a WORLD, a plethora, and immediate access to information within seconds. It was quite the adventure in itself. She researched, and studied, and taught for day upon day. Learning and growing and exhausting herself.

Then, all of a sudden, she found a place...a once very magical place, called Myspace. It glittered, and it moved. It was colorful and pleasant on the eyes. It was full of life and stories and pictures of the outside world. It was simply beautiful....but there was something missing. She just couldn't put her finger on it.

So soon, and with her adventuring nature, she became somewhat bored with the glitter and sparkles of this new kingdom. She searched the internet far and wide, until she came upon a more contemporary, classy, and resourceful place. It was like moving from a loud, sweet, shiny, and fast-paced carnival to a hill on the country-side with birds and a camera. Facebook, it was called. She made friends, chatted, sipped coffee, and shared her adventures.

While she visited Facebook, she also happened across the land of Twitter. Twitter was simply a looking glass of sorts that allowed her to see from her pinnacle, as a pirate in a ship. But, it never gave her the wonderment and excitement that the other two places did. It was just one more place she visited on her journey.

Well, for some time it was this way, she enjoyed her travels. Until, (gasp) the world of Facebook became overwhelming. It was no longer a scene of serenity, but an entire community and appropriation of meddling and association. It became a task and a chore to have to visit several times a day. Then, BOOM!! Stories, memories, and delight blew up in a cloud of notification smoke.

So, she stepped away from the high speed internet and pondered reality. She looked around her room, and she didn't see glitter, or movement. She didn't see port side binoculars, and she didn't see a loud community sipping wine and eating cheese. She saw her desk, her couch, her window....THE WINDOW!!!

Outside were REAL birds, and trees, and dogs, and fresh AIR! She stepped out into the sunshine and soaked it in. She stretched her arms and slowly breathed in the crispness. From that day on, she vowed to never let her adventures become virtual. She took one last glance back at the kingdom of Facebook, which held a special place in her heart, bid her new friends fair well (promising to keep in touch), and rode off into the sunset. As she ventured off, she decided that it is okay to visit magical places, but it isn't always best to make a permanent home there.

And, she lived happily ever after.
The End

Great Unexpectedness

For most of my life, I've thought that not expecting anything meant no disappointment. So, I tried to avoid expectation as much as possible (which is pretty much impossible). But, what I forgot about was the greatness that lies within expecting one thing and getting wonderful in the unexpected.

I remember trying to picture my life, and seeing something COMPLETELY different than my present self. I tried to control my future. I wanted life to be a certain way with certain (what I thought to be) important elements.

Well, life isn't a book or a movie. It isn't always fair, the monsters are not destroyed, the endings are not necessarily happy, and sometimes there is no rational explanation. Sometimes, the best explanation is none at all.

The best thing about life is its raw realness. The possibility of everything...and nothing. I could never have imagined my life, as is. The growth and reciprocation within myself is only with retrospect of the unexpected.

So now, I expect the unexpected....and I appreciate, enjoy, and love it.

Friend or foe?

Standing tall
a sanctuary
in shade

Liquid gems shared
roots run down, out, and around
synchrony swayed

Ivy creeps
birds peep
insects crawl
inside it all

Sunbeams of light
giving hope but not sight
age on call
until they fall

Great hands reach
straightness stands
self or as one?

Frozen journey
not at all alone
characters oblivious
to damage they have done

Magic "Who Cares" Glasses

I am SO unbelievably grateful to my true friends for their companionship. I genuinely care deeply about them, and I believe they genuinely care about me. (Sending a love shout-out to my true peeps. lol) And, a relationship that isn't reciprocated in a compatible fashion, cannot be a "true" one.

I have had a hard time lately, and my true friends have asked about my health condition and me in general, been a shoulder for me to whine on, given advice to take or leave, watched my children if I needed it, and been the epitome of what friendship is: a reason to TRUST.(Thank you!)

And, once again, there are ruiners in the crowd (as there is with everything, right?). I sure wish I had "Who Cares" glasses prior to finding out the "truth". It is so difficult to want someone to love or care about you that doesn't...or, to think someone IS being genuine and get slapped in the face with it.

And, so...

I must get over the fact that some people aren't going to genuinely care about me, lie to me (or about me), criticize me, or what-have-you. You can't wish/want or hope or be nice to someone so much that they care, and you can't change other peoples' flawed personality issues. It doesn't matter if they are "supposed" to love me.

I guess I'll just keep being me. Take it or leave it. I'll feel sorry for those people who can't be genuine, who are incapable of reciprocated "true" relationships worth more than words can do justice, and who feel like they need lies to fulfill themselves.

And, as far as them doing what they do/did to ME, personally...Who CARES! :) (Well, I guess I do have those glasses after all. A little different in application, but still the same result.)

The raven versus the seagull

Bombarded the unconscious
And stolen my dreams
Taken my decisions
From this repeating theme

Eyelids peeled open
Vision is blurred
I do not wish to be
Darkness's chauffeur

Can you release me from your talons?
Give me my babes' rest
Gently lower yourself
And place me in your nest

Can you give me peace?
Allow me my own will
Shallow breath's release
On morning's windowsill

I do not need the worm
As appetizing as it seems
Take me under your wing
And please give me back my dreams
-------------------------------------


***4:20AM and I am so tired of insomnia.