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Friday, July 8, 2011

The grass is greener on the other side until I step over the fence and look back the other direction.

I was just thinking today about how much friendship dynamics change as our lives do. I miss hanging out for hours and hours laughing and goofing off..with what seemed like not a care in the world. I still have fantastic friends. The ones that still remain are very high quality. I know if I really need someone, I have friends to turn to. But, I do miss the days before full-time jobs, children, and responsibilities. It seems these "grown-up" changes made the endless hours with friends seem almost like a task rather than a pleasure.

I miss my time to hang out wherever and whenever, but I am so busy with kids, and cleaning, and chores, activities, and all the "things" that I have to do that it just exhausts me. I miss sitting on my couch alone with my best friend talking about all we have going on, giggling about who-knows-what, and sharing things we probably shouldn't with each other. I miss the opportunity to have meaningless fun with other people to take my brain away from everything else (without a screeching child interrupting or a spontaneous "ring around the rosy" mid-conversation").

It is just one of those trade-offs that happen in life, and it is most likely temporary. One day, I'll be wishing for this precious time back with my boys. Their youth gives me so much to do, and it limits my options on what I do and when I do it....but I still have a LOT to do. Fun things to do. I get tired... But, I get to see them grow, and change, and they are SO funny and cute. I'm sure in some-number of years, I will be whining to my girlfriend across the room that my babies are growing too fast, and I wish I could just sit at home and play with them for several more years. I'll have all the time I want for friends whenever and wherever, and I'll wish the clock would turn back... once again.

It is sort-of that "if you have curly hair you want straight, and if you have straight hair you want curly" or the "grass is greener in the other pasture" phenomenon. I tend want something different than what I have, it seems. Yet, that doesn't mean that I don't appreciate the current, while I anticipate the future, and reflect on the past.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Today it is about venting...

I love to blog, which I rarely make time to do, but today it really isn't about pleasure. It is about venting.

Haven't you ever had one of those moments where something minute and silly makes you break down, b/c you've been holding in so many concurrent emotions for so long that they all come flooding in at once? Well, this morning, I let the last surviving fish of Aden's flop down our kitchen sink drain. I was so careful. I put the drain cover in, poured the water slowly, and... all of a sudden he changed his fishy swimming course mid-pour. He jumped to the side. He landed in the sink, and when he did the sink drain pushed just enough to the side for him to slip down. (Adios, fishy).

Yes, I cried. I cried, b/c I didn't want my four-year-old son to be upset. He was still asleep, and I was going to have to tell him what happened. I cried, b/c I'm frustrated at how things are....how life is...You, know what I mean; No matter how much we try to control our environments, sometimes (most times) we just can't MAKE results. We do what we can, and we hope for the best.

I get SO tired of it. I am optimistic, really... but think everyone gets tired of it. I am exhausted with the result not being what I wanted or expected. I know I shouldn't expect, but isn't that just being human. It seems that way with every portion of life, really... Expectations either being met or being disappointed.

I need a break from it. I need to vent and cry and run away, but I don't usually. I just soak it in, over.. and over. Even in my blogs, I never go down to specifics in my personal "stuff".  Not only do I not want to (who wants to put their "stuff" online), but I also don't know that I could. I hold so much in for so long that I think I could explode with "stuff".

I guess talking in circles and in non-specifics helps, but I wish I could just let it ALL out...Oh well, I know that I won't and I can't. So, I'll just dry my tears, have a root beer party (in honor of Mr. Fishy), and go about my day. I'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow. I usually do.

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